Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
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A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
Today’s Times
[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems