Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.

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Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.

But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”


Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..


Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.


upon my death:

1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case


I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.


People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?


STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home

ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok


“It’s not about the money.”

-people with money