I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
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Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.
Twitter is the new flypaper.
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.