I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
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[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
All. The. Damn. Time.
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing: