My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
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Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
ok like just. call me at this point
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
*Seductively hides in the woods
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse