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I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*
Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.