I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
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8: If I promise to be super super good all the way until I’m 10, can I get a phone for my 10th birthday?
Me: Ok. Can you put your lunch box away?
8: Nah, I’m kinda busy.
Me: I thought you were going to be super super good?
8: Yeah, I’m starting that when I’m 9.
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
Couldn’t afford a man cave. Had to settle for a gazebro
Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.