@PeaceInTruth1

I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.

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@doooiiiit

I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.

@robin_991

I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.

@FamousCeleb

*puffs on pipe* *turns pipe around and points while stroking chin with other hand* *clears throat* Pussy Look Like Fold Up Piece Of Ham

@TheDarkSideCEO

Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.

@causticbob

A salesman knocked on my door today.

“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.

I said, “My next door neighbour.”

@IchBins_SN

Joined a street protest.

Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.

3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon

@PJTLynch

I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane

@Dani_Feld

I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.

@ShawnHatosy

The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.