I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
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Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
My work here is done
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
“Boo!” — cow with a cold