@PeaceInTruth1

I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.

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@ArfMeasures

Wife: How is he?

Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water

Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?

Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead

@Yankeegiant72

After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall

@meganamram

Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot

@PaperWash

Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.

@Havish_AF

Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.

@fro_vo

Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then

@Manda_like_wine

7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:

@kvetchings

Re: global warming and the cold weather

“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”

@SondraDeeMe

BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting