@doooiiiit I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
@PeaceInTruth1 I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
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@doooiiiit 
@robin_991 I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
@FamousCeleb *puffs on pipe* *turns pipe around and points while stroking chin with other hand* *clears throat* Pussy Look Like Fold Up Piece Of Ham
@TheDarkSideCEO Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
@causticbob A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
@IchBins_SN Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
@PJTLynch I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
@Dani_Feld I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
@ShawnHatosy The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
@MikeyHill_ I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke