I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.

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I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.


I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.


*puffs on pipe* *turns pipe around and points while stroking chin with other hand* *clears throat* Pussy Look Like Fold Up Piece Of Ham


Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.


A salesman knocked on my door today.

“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.

I said, “My next door neighbour.”


Joined a street protest.

Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.

3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon


I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane


I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.


The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.