anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
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You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.