Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
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HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?
Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.
Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
[parent-teacher conference]
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.