Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?
Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.
Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.
You Might Also Like
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
I cannot stop laughing at this
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
Ok who’s got my black socks?
if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome