I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
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I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
need him