Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
You Might Also Like
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
Monday Lisa
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
I was just discussing this with my cat
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.