I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
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Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
We need to put an American base on the sun
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
[Giving directions in America]
Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th
[Directions in England]
Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie
iPhone X
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history