the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
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finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that