My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
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Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.
I don’t get marriage
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.