I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.
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I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
Nice try Hitler
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?