Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
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My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
[WHAP]
“Why u bean like this?”
[SMACK]
“Don’t u carrot all?”
[CRACK]
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…
our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.
Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”