[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
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Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?
My Boss: This is inappropriate
Me: Your skin is so…
My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!
Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!