I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
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angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.