guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
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I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
consequences, the bane of my existence
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
Buying a well is money well spent.
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.And by “younger” I mean yesterday.
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.