Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
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Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
[mailman delivering package to hospital]
DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered
MAILMAN: please stop saying that
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
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Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
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[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
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This could’ve been an email.
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