@STOTLE

Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention

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@Lisa_Laughs_

I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.

@carlyken

“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool

@bjaynash

Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.

@NikiWithIssues

You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.

@Brianhopecomedy

Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.

@Zombieionism

Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.

Not allowed near mannequins anymore

@TitaniumToplass

*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*

@hardasamother

Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again

@DartsBofficial

Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there