I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
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“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there