Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I support this random dude and all his protests

I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.

I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.

The real controller stays on my person at all times.

I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.

Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.

Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow

Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet

This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now

One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.

Until then, I’ll keep eating.

[bar]
Me: I’m drunk
Carpenter: i’m hammered
Dry Wall Guy: i’m plastered
Garbage Man: i’m trashed
Beekeeper: i’m buzzed
Accountant: i’m totaled
Quarterback: i’m blitzed
Scuba Diver: i’m tanked
English Professor: i’m lit
Plumber: i’m shitfaced
Hulk: i’m smashed
Youth: i’m wasted

Me: cute infant you have there

Mary: thanks

Me: so tender and mild

Mary: …w-what

If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper

do you like vampires?

🟩 Nosferatu

✅ Yesferatu

Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers

I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?

I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time

9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”

Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.

When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt

Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.

Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them

Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”

Breakup? I’m sorry no.

You’re not finished being in love with me yet.

*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*

5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?

*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*

Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go

5yo: I’m full from leaves

I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses

Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion

[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it

Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-

Cop: license and registration

Me: that won’t be necessary officer

*places a glazed donut in his pocket

[spelling bee]

Your word is ‘condescending’

“Can you use it in a sentence?”

Of course I can. Can YOU?

Date: I know a lot of dance styles

Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too

Date: Any ballroom?

Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit

Date: What

Me: What