Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
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I support this random dude and all his protests
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I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
[bar]
Me: I’m drunk
Carpenter: i’m hammered
Dry Wall Guy: i’m plastered
Garbage Man: i’m trashed
Beekeeper: i’m buzzed
Accountant: i’m totaled
Quarterback: i’m blitzed
Scuba Diver: i’m tanked
English Professor: i’m lit
Plumber: i’m shitfaced
Hulk: i’m smashed
Youth: i’m wasted
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*
5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?
*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go
5yo: I’m full from leaves
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
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Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit
Date: What
Me: What