Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.

[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..

Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?

It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”

Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself

During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.

There is no “we” in pizza

To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does

Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.

A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..

Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around

I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.

Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.

No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.

My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.

Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.

My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”

Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.

me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing

him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been

me: I tried to kiss a goldfish

Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…

Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.

[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella

[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife

It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.

I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.

Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.

The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.

If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile

Cigarette: Hey buddy.

Me: I don’t smoke anymore.

Cigarette: But buddy.

Me: NO.

Cigarette: Buddy?

Me: You do make a good point. Fine.

The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone

Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?

Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?

Cop:Lol, nevermind

Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula

I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity

I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.

But he hesitated.