Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
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I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?
Science memes
first you must answer his riddles
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying