*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
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*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
kids these days don’t know but it’s mad how many CD-Rs we were all burning 20 years ago. you’d usually get in a couple before breakfast, ideally nip home at lunch for a quick one, kick back in the evening burning a few and then wake up multiple times a night to insert fresh discs
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
Had an epiphany today.
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok