“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
You Might Also Like
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
hey can I use your bathroom?
cashier: only paying customers
jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.