I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
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You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT
10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
10: Swordmint
Me:
10: Sharpmint
Me:
10:
Me: Spearmint?
10: YES!
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
God I hate kids.
And people.
And animals.
And sardines.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.
It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
Very good news from my accountant
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
I laughed at this way too hard.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
Fun Australian fact for you – An episode of the English show Peppa Pig has twice been pulled off air in Australia after being deemed inappropriate for Aussie children. The episode’s main message… “spiders can’t hurt you”
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.