I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
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*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
monday
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.