I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.![]()
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Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
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Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
uber driver is making small talk with me and asks me what i do, so i said i study philosophy, and he immediately says “oh nice man you hear it was Kant’s 300th birthday a few weeks ago? i bet you people went wild for that”
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes