Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
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me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM