me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
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I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
Lol.
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
“I wouldn’t.”
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough