I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
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Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
When you’re here for the treats.
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what