Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
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[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
I ate everything, including the H.
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”