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Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
[wedding day]
fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer
me: but he’s my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
*Interrogation Room*
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
….
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga