Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
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I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?
My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*