My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
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If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
Did a trash talking tree write this?
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.