My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
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Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.