My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
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[putting away groceries]
I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”