My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
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My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
MOVING IS AWESOME
I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE
OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
My morning yoga routine has really helped shift my lower back pain into my upper back.
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
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When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
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Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
95% percent of forest fires are caused by someone walking in corduroy pants.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month