Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
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Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?
me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise
netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures
me: absolutely not
netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS
me: this is my worst nightmare
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]
[In a cucumber submarine]
1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain
Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
Parenting’s First Law of Physics:
An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
[interview]
“Any special talents?”
I can unlock any fingerprint reader
“By hacking?”
[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”