I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
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The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
The Onion called it…again.
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda
Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.
Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow