Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda
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do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
Dishonest mechanic?
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
[several months ago]
BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
BEYONCÉ: One
JAY-Z: Not a problem
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinkingPATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up