Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
[several months ago]
BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
JAY-Z: Not a problem
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Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.