[several months ago]

BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby

JAY-Z: How many we got


JAY-Z: Not a problem

You Might Also Like


Blind Date

Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.

Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?

[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.


Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…



Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min


Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’


I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.


son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?


Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together

Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day


“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”


Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.