Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
You Might Also Like
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers
wife: anyone have a pen?
james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.
w: thanks…why 3 times?
jb: its an old pen
w: its a bomb isnt it!?!
jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
Muppet Screams
oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
women dont read this…
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be