under no circumstances will my brother take the L
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Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*replaces battery*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*takes battery back out*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER
Smoke Detector:
Me:
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
I put the “pro” in inappropriate
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
Thursday Thought.
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
He died doing what he loved: being alive