I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
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Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it