Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?

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developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework


Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.


The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.


other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun

me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread


*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*


In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”


Ok doc, give it to me straight.

“It’s cancer”

How bad?

“Really bad, you have 2 months.”




“You have 2 days.”


Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things


Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.


Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles