Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
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“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute
Me: Who made this mess?
8-year-old: Not me.
6-year-old: Not me.
4-year-old: Not me.
3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.
I have a suspect.
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
When a shoelace touches your ankle
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws