@Molly_Kats
@RaxKingIsDead developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
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@RaxKingIsDead 
@TheTweetOfGod Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
@kelkulus The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
@dubstep4dads other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
@PajamaBen_ *Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*
@JoParkerBear In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
@Reverend_Scott Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
@bridger_w Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
@Gorrdano Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
@Merman_Melville Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles