@Molly_Kats

Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?

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@RaxKingIsDead

developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework

@TheTweetOfGod

Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.

@kelkulus

The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.

@dubstep4dads

other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun

me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread

@PajamaBen_

*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*

@JoParkerBear

In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”

@Reverend_Scott

Ok doc, give it to me straight.

“It’s cancer”

How bad?

“Really bad, you have 2 months.”

OMG

“APRIL FOOLS!”

Whew-

“You have 2 days.”

@bridger_w

Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things

@Gorrdano

Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.

@Merman_Melville

Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles