Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
You Might Also Like
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
security at the airport getting more straightforward
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.