Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
You Might Also Like
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.