DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
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IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.