Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
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me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
bro what is going on at twitter
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.