Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
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Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss
ME: damn right
[later]
ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim
Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
Doctors texting each other.
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!