Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.
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There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
Him: wanna go to your favorite place?
Me: Poundtown?!
H: I was thinking Target but—
M: no, no, your instincts were correct
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.