You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
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(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
what is cheese if not milk persevering
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
Me as a therapist: omg same
When ur friends with white people
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
This is not me but this is me
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!