I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
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Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.
Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*
Me, studied abroad:
Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona
Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt