Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*
Me, studied abroad:
Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona
Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-
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didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers
Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
You had me at “define legal”.
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.