The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way
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saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
I hope this email finds you in a well
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears