Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
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🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*